therorschach (therorschach) wrote,

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This is killing me...

     I've been angsting lately.  And unlike most tweens who wouldn't know angst or reason if it came up and bit them in the ass, I know why.  His name's Andy and he's a co-worker.   Without delving into too much history I'll give you guys a synopsis.      
       A year ago or so, I really liked him until his best friend sufficiently scared me away.    I got another job, and for a while I forgot about him.  Then I fucking had to see him downtown.  He begged me to come back.  And like the retard I am, I decided I needed an emotional pounding.  I went back.      

      That hug and that look on his face dissolved all the intelligence I had.  I don't have a will anymore.  I know he doesn't feel the same way, I know he never will feel the same way.  Not being around him is horrible to me, and the happiness he makes me feel is something I've never felt before.  Like being nervous and relaxed all at the same time.  He's funny and arrogant, and always seems to be mad at something.  He fights the system, he doesn't take any shit from anybody.  
      The worse part is that he's stopped being just at work.  He's always in the back of my head, in this kind of sick attachment I seem to have to him.  He's the one that makes me depressed when I see couples holding hands, he's the one that makes love songs that extra bit more painful.   Andy also makes me feel like a 12 year old.  Crying and whining about their own deranged hopes and fantasies.  It's not because he's attractive.  No, there's more to this than sex.   He has something I haven't seen in anyone else.  
     I don' t love him.  At least I hope I don't.  I don't think I could handle it if I did.  This is just some passing 'thing' that will go away.  It has to be.
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