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Failing the Rorschach

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Saturday, April 15th, 2006
7:06 pm - Why?
  I'm going to sound stupid and petty for a moment if I may.  I lost my ring today.  No it may not sound like much, but it actually made me ball and go to work with the obviously puffy eyes look.  I loved that ring.  It was the first ebay bid me and my best friend ever one, it was my good luck charm when I went job hunting last year, and it was a symbol of my fandom too, that I proudly displayed.  It was a lot more than that too.

    I wore that thing constantly no matter what the situation.  It honestly NEVER left my thumb.  I know it was just an object but for me it was a little chunk of my past.  The good times before the hell of first year, the bout of depression, and the near suicidal spurts of negativity.  Every time I looked at it, it was a reminder of the things I really enjoy.  It made me feel different, like who I wanted to be, and who I hoped I was.  Now that it's gone, I've lost a piece of my identity.  

    That's all of the blathering I'm up for tonight.  If you need me, I'll be sobbing over my lost hunk of metal.  Pathetic isn't it?

current mood: depressed

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Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
10:10 pm - Exams and Resident Evil
    Yeah, that's right today I went out and shopped with money I got for Easter.  Where should I have been?  STUDYING.  I have exams this weekend, and I ditched an afternoon in favour of killing zombies.  

     I know it's okay to relax and you have to do things you enjoy some of the time in order to not go insane with stress, but it feels like that's all I've been doing lately.  My best friend tells me that it's all part of my delusions and that I am working hard, but I don't think so.  It's not the same.  Sure I usually think I'm going to fail and then end up doing well, but then I get hammered for it later.  'I told you!'  Right...because I like thinking I'm going to fail.  I like thinking that my career may be over before it even started.

    The only thing worse is all the faith people seem to put in me.  'You always do fine.'  So what if that doesn't happen this time?  That one phrase seems to strip my identity right out from under me.  If I don't succeed it's like I'm not who I am anymore.  Not that I blame anybody for trying to make me feel better.  At least I know they care.

     On a lighter note, I did enjoy the few hours off I did get.  I actually found a Garfield box set for 20 bucks!  I used to watch it religiously when I was a kid, and I still get the day-by-day calendar every year.  It's like I'm five again when I watch that stuff, and that always makes me feel LOADS better than anything else.  I know it's not healthy to dwell on the past, but honesly nothing makes you forget a bad intergral problem like ghost pirates!

current mood: calm

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Saturday, April 8th, 2006
2:26 pm - This is killing me...
     I've been angsting lately.  And unlike most tweens who wouldn't know angst or reason if it came up and bit them in the ass, I know why.  His name's Andy and he's a co-worker.   Without delving into too much history I'll give you guys a synopsis.      
       A year ago or so, I really liked him until his best friend sufficiently scared me away.    I got another job, and for a while I forgot about him.  Then I fucking had to see him downtown.  He begged me to come back.  And like the retard I am, I decided I needed an emotional pounding.  I went back.      

      That hug and that look on his face dissolved all the intelligence I had.  I don't have a will anymore.  I know he doesn't feel the same way, I know he never will feel the same way.  Not being around him is horrible to me, and the happiness he makes me feel is something I've never felt before.  Like being nervous and relaxed all at the same time.  He's funny and arrogant, and always seems to be mad at something.  He fights the system, he doesn't take any shit from anybody.  
      The worse part is that he's stopped being just at work.  He's always in the back of my head, in this kind of sick attachment I seem to have to him.  He's the one that makes me depressed when I see couples holding hands, he's the one that makes love songs that extra bit more painful.   Andy also makes me feel like a 12 year old.  Crying and whining about their own deranged hopes and fantasies.  It's not because he's attractive.  No, there's more to this than sex.   He has something I haven't seen in anyone else.  
     I don' t love him.  At least I hope I don't.  I don't think I could handle it if I did.  This is just some passing 'thing' that will go away.  It has to be.

current mood: crushed

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Thursday, April 6th, 2006
3:34 pm - What do you see?
   For my first rant I thought I'd describe just what's behind the name of this journal.  The Rorschach test is more commonly known as the ink blot test by the general populace, and in it lies my entire view on what psychology actually is.  It's only my first year, true and I know I still don't know a fraction of all the theories out there but that single test always intrigued me.  I was so fascinated by the nothing that a smear on a piece of paper could reveal so much about the intricate workings of the human psyche.  What you see is not what I see and vice versa, and that single fact is so fundamental to all human interactions.

   Think about it.  How long do you spend everyday trying to figure out other people's opinions on one issue or another, even ourselves?  Perception and worrying about perception stretches to effect every area of our lives.  Failing the Rorschach, though not a concrete possibility represents a failure to perceive our world in a constructive way.  It's a rejection of playing that social game of guess and no.  
     As a clinical psychologist in the making, I see myself as engaged as personal referee.  Trying to objectively judge and view the game play of individuals without getting caught up in them myself.  Not that I'm saying that I'm beyond the parameters of this activity, am an arrogant bastard that can see through EVERYTHING, or a psychopath.

Okay that's enough rambling for now...don't worry I'll sound relevant eventually.  Promise.

current mood: creative

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